Thursday, 16 August 2018

A REFLECTION ON TURNING THE BIG 2-5

There are those times in life where you think holy heck, I'm how old? And everyone around you will likely tell you you're bonkers (they're the nice ones) or they'll laugh along thinking that means I'm old too. It feels so gradual that when the thought crosses your mind it feels like an ice cold bucket of you're a real life adult now has been poured over your head and you're shaking because it's actually terrifying.


It dawned on me just recently that I'm currently on my 25th lap around the sun and I promise I'm trying to be extra cool and very chill about it whilst internally freaking out and telling myself its absolutely no big deal whatsoever.

Now, I know what you're thinking, you're probably rolling your eyes and tutting about my overly dramatic panic, and I'm with you, I'd feel the same if it was happening to someone other than me. Alas, I started to dwell on the fact that I turn a quarter of a century old in three months and it gave me a lot to think about in terms of what I have, and haven't, achieved in that time.
I've never been the type of girl to put a time limit on things, what's the point? If it gets done then it gets done (although I'm starting to see the naivety in that belief). However, I'm sure most of us have a that little, loosely filled in timeline in the back of our mind that says; I'd like to be married by the time I'm twenty-eight, I don't want to be older than thirty when I have my first child, I don't want to feel old when my children are in their teens, I want a stable career before I start a family. Whether we realise it or not, we put pressure on ourselves to hit certain milestones with a goal in mind, no matter how big or small.

Well, here's the thing, kids; I've not really hit any goals leading up to my 26th year aside from university and a few drunken snogs. TMI? I'm over holding back.

Often I feel like I hit pause on my life and I'm aimlessly stumbling around trying to figure out how to be an adult. I'm sure we all feel like that at one point or another. But the thing is, I find myself with so many ideas and aims and goals, but with no clue, or dare I say motivation (that's actually ruined my life thus far, let me tell you), to actually achieve any of them. And I'm hitting this point where I feel suffocated by my lack of achievements and relationships in my life. Look, I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, and I promise I'm going to turn this little baby around so you don't regret scanning through my rambles, but I gotta get this stuff off my chest.

Leading up to my next birthday, and once I hit the big 2-5, I'm determined to get my life in order no matter what the cost, because guess who's sick of feeling miserable and disappointed with herself? Ya, this gal over here.
The Single Life


In all honesty, I really didn't expect to be addressing this on my blog two years later, still in the same position and still single with zero relationships to my name. This year I joined Tinder, felt horrible for swiping left on far too many people based on their profile picture (it feels SO shallow), matched with just a handful of people and was too scared to initiate a conversation with any of them. Even the one person who messaged me didn't even reply after I did. 

I'm constantly told that you won't meet anyone if you don't go out and socialise which is code for you're single because you don't go out drinking. I rarely go on nights out because it makes me uncomfortable, it's a total waste of money and why would I want to meet someone in that situation because it 90% means that they do like partying. So we're already incompatible. Or does that make me too defeatist?
Since being at uni I haven't mixed with guys, and truth be told, I miss mixing with them like I miss my high school guy friends. 

To add salt to the wounds, my Facebook is clogged up with marriage proposals, baby news and moving house posts more than ever and that's what makes me feel the loneliest. I'm starting to wonder not when but if it ever will happen to me? I've got one cousin who has two beautiful children and another who is a few months into her pregnancy and I feel like the odd one out again, the let down and disappointment like I always feel.

If anyone has any tips for how I can meet someone, then please for the love of god help a sister out.

Here's to hoping that I won't be single by the time I'm 26.

Try to Be Less Pessimistic


I bet you didn't see that one coming, did you? I know, I know, I've been godawful with my self-loathing and moping in this post more than others, but I'm tell you now, I'm prepared to focus more on the positives and less on the negatives. This includes working on the things I see as a negative and turning them into a positive.

The Struggle to Find the Motivation


This was ever so briefly mentioned a little earlier but I feel I need to bash this out incase anyone feels the same, and I know there will be a few of you. One thing I've struggled with for the majority of my life is finding motivation to do absolutely anything. There's my dissertation to write this summer, and whilst I've got a fair portion of research under my belt, I'm still not at the point I hoped to be at, there's cards that have been sat in my room for the past few months ready to be written and sent to my overseas friends that I've still not started on and every day I move that point further down on my to-do list. I'm constantly wanting to lose weight and exercise but each day I find ways to put it off before feeling miserable. My blog has just suffered and suffered the more time moves on because I have no inclination to write. It's hit that point where I realise it's not just laziness, it feels far worse than that, I quite literally do not possess the motivation to do anything I actually want to do, let alone the things I don't. So how am I supposed to reach any goals or work on building a career if getting dressed feels like such a struggle?

I'm going to do what I can to work on that so hopefully I can revise this sooner rather than later and give you some advice.

Not Where I Want to Be Yet


I've found that being in university is a very odd time of your life, at least it has been in mine, and whilst you know you only have to get to the end of your degree before you can go out and scour the world for the job you want, it feels a little like you're on life's waiting list.

So, I might not be where I want to be yet, but with graduation less than a year away I'm working on figuring out what I want to do after I leave Cardiff, where I want to go and what I'm aiming to achieve. If I manage to tick off the above points in the meantime, then the smile will be a bit higher on my face.

Where I Hope to be Before My 26th


The thought of turning 26 is enough to make me curl up in my bed, stick a pillow over my head and scream, but we're not there yet, instead it's all about focusing on the journey to that point. I'm hoping to be in a relationship by then, or at least be further on my way to one, it might not make me any happier, but at least I'll know what it feels like and not be stuck wondering. By 26 I want to have made that big US trip I've been dreaming about for a few months, the post-graduation vacation that I need, deserve and most certainly want.

Additionally I'm hoping to have found a job, maybe not the one I'm destined to dedicate my life to, but something that will start my journey to the path I want to be on. No more life fillers, time to start pushing myself in the directions I want to be instead of putting it off.

Most importantly,  I want to be feeling happier in myself; my weight, my mental health, everything that seems to be intent on tearing me down, I want to have at least worked on.

Whew! I hope I didn't completely ruin your day, but it's something to think about if you're in the same, or similar, position as me. If you've already worked a bunch of the above out, please share your thoughts, journey or anything else you want/can. It would be very much appreciated.

S xo

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