Taking yourself out of your comfort zone is one of the scariest acts, the things you're content with doing isn’t called your comfort zone without good reason. One thing I’ve learned from largely having friends who either don’t share the same interests as me, or aren’t into the same bands, don’t support the same team, or don’t have the same disposable income as me, is that you either quickly figure out how to go it alone, or live with missing out completely.
As someone who has spent the best part of her life with (self-diagnosed) social anxiety (and genuinely only really started wanting to socialise in about 2021 after the majority of Covid), there’s been many instances where I’ve held myself back from doing things because the idea of being on my own, was terrifying, even going shopping alone used to fill me with dread.
Have you ever been someone who’s walking around a shop, decide there’s nothing you want, and then feel like everyone is staring at you as you leave as if they’re expecting the alarms to sound because you’ve shoplifted? If you have, you’ll know exactly how I’ve felt for a long time.
Coffee break
This is something I know splits people down the middle, some of us love to sit in solitude, with our headphones on and tucked away in a corner with a hot drink, or the other half feel very uncomfortable at the thought of sitting on their own and waiting to quickly finish their drink.
Personally, it took me a while to get comfortable with sitting on my own in public, but now I live for a coffee break with a playlist or good podcast, my iPad or laptop, a steaming pistachio latte and an occasional scroll on Pinterest in a feeble attempt to fuel my creativity. I'm either planning content, writing a blog post (like this one) or reading a book for a bit of downtime for a quick half hour before work or two hours on a day off.
It truly is a good way to start your solo activities, I still wouldn't sit there without my headphones on but relaxing and immersing yourself in a chilled environment with a coffee is as anxiety reducing as a task can be (okay, minus the coffee unless you're immune like me).
Cinema
It was around the time of my first year of uni, mid-2016, when I remember going to the cinema alone, I’d probably done it before then but I remember going to see Star Trek Beyond. I was really nervous about it, but I wanted to see it so bad that I pushed it aside, booked a ticket, and then panicked my way to Vue until I was in my seat, ready to load up on snacks and watch a film I was desperately anticipating. I quickly realised there was nothing to be scared about, I was sat in a dark room for 2 hours, I didn’t have to speak to anyone and no one even noticed I was there. The fear and anxiety of the situation was overhyped in my head, and for what?
This led to many solo cinema trips through uni, I was there practically every week, bingeing on every film I could say (and in true me fashion, sometimes I’d go and see a film 7 times. I’m looking at you Dunkirk) because i realised there was nothing to be nervous or uncomfortable about. I find it interesting that this is the one thing people always say 'I couldn't go there on my own', and it's usually from the most outgoing people.
Gigs
I don’t really remember the first time I went to a gig alone, although I can remember going to see One Direction in April 2013 at Manchester Arena. I don’t recall all that much as out how I felt other than crazily excited, I know I was nervous, of course I was, but I think at that point I was just excited to be there. The month prior to that I’d been to see them with someone so maybe that experience let me know what I was in for and what to expect. It’s strange to look back because going to a gig alone is so nerve wracking, and to know terrified 19 year old me was going to gigs on her own seems a far cry from everything else I was doing at the time.
9 times out of 10, going to gig alone requires a drink or two before it. I won’t sugarcoat that, even if I do it less frequently now. It’s something to calm me down, ease my nerves and give me the shred of confidence I need to keep me from slumping in the corner away from others.
In the last 10 years, I’ve gone to countless gigs alone, travelled the country on mini tours, and made the most of seeing my favourite artists even when I’ve had no one by my side travelling with me.
I would never have been to so many The Maine gigs without that gentle push on my back by my own hand.
Theatre
Back in uni I became really into theatre. Pre-2016 I loved musicals and had been to a few shows, although I’d never really been interested in general theatre. Where’s the singing? The dancing? The sheer absurdity of bursting in to song for no real reason? It was not high on my list of interests.
That was until one of my favourite actors announced he was starring in a play in January 2017, I liked the premise of the play, but the want to see George Blagden in Platinum was what pushed me to book my ticket and hop on the Megabus to London. I distinctly remember being terrified the whole way to Hampstead Theatre. It’s so funny to look back on now, not my crippling fear, but the thought that I was absolutely fine travelling four hours to London, but walking through the doors of the theatre was what made me want to sprint back to Victoria to catch the next bus. As it turned out, it was incredible and such a wonderful experience that again, I wondered why I’d been so scared.
It was lucky I had such a positive experience because I’d already booked to see George in another play in February and just a few weeks later, I went to a Broadway theatre alone in New York, something I probably wouldn’t have done had I not already pushed myself.
By the time I graduated in 2019, I’d gone to countless theatres/performances both with people and alone, saw Measure For Measure at the Donmar Theatre 7 times (mostly alone) and made memories that I’ll take to my grave. In February alone I have 3 theatre trips booked and I couldn't be happier!
But the fear of the unknown is what stops you, I wholeheartedly understand that.
Football
I don’t think anything has terrified me as much as attending my first football match alone. Being a woman passionate about football is a whole experience in itself, thankfully it’s not been a negative one for me, but unnerving to say the least. Especially if you’ve not grown up around it and aren’t a seasoned match goer.
I attended my first match in November 2021, I bought two tickets and dragged my mum along with me for my birthday so I could see my team for the first time. It was a new experience to me, I’d loved football since I was a kid but I’d never followed it as such or supported a team, I just enjoyed the joy of the Euros or the World Cup. Once I had a team selected though, I ran with the joy and passion of supporting Manchester City.
The thrill of being at my first match captivated me and I tried not to think too much about it when I booked a ticket for a match against Chelsea for the following January. Fear be damned, I wasn’t going to talk myself out of it, I wanted to go but I couldn’t ask anyone around me to justify a ticket price just because I craved another match. I snapped up a ticket, booked a hotel in Manchester and put on my big girl pants. I could do this.
To alleviate the fear and anxiety, I made myself walk the 30 minutes from the city centre to the Etihad Stadium, the thought of hoping on a bus or tram with tonnes of other fans, made me want to pass out. The fresh air, the walk, they would both help calm me down I was sure of it. And they did to some extent, until I got to the stadium and I was heavy breathing and shaking, worried I might have a panic attack. But a steady stream of texts to my best friend, and I was okay. I just needed a pint when I got inside. By the time I was at my seat, one I’d booked nice and high, tucked in at the end of a row against a wall, I was content because I felt safe there. Until I realised I was sat with season ticket holders, I didn’t know how to adequately respond to on-field decisions etc, and the lady beside me told me how no one had sat in my seat for about 3 years. I felt like a fish out of water.
But when I left that stadium with a solo game, and City win under my belt, I knew there was no turning back.
The fact that I’ve been to 25+ games on my own now seems bonkers to me when I think back on that first one, I feel like a completely different person to the one I was then.
Taking myself to football matches was the biggest step out of my comfort zone and now it barely phases me. I’ll be completely honest when I say I still feel mildly nervy when I go, but I keep my head high, grab a beer (if needed but that’s rare these days) and keep my headphones on until I scan my ticket and head into the stadium. And when I walk in? I don’t feel nervous, I feel home.
Last April, I took a further step out of my football comfort zone and headed off to Wembley. At first I talked myself out of it, I’d booked a hotel as soon as I knew City had made it to the semi-finals but with the knowledge I could cancel is free of charge, and the night before the tickets went on sale, I started to panic a little bit and decided to save my money and watch it on telly at home.
Do you know how many times in my life I’ve looked back on an event and said ‘Oooh I nearly went to that’? It’s a ridiculous amount. So 12 days before the match, with an hour to spare before work, I had a look into what tickets were left, what train was available, planned the trip to the very minute, and said sod it. Let’s book it all. And then the nerves started again. This time though, it was all booked so I couldn’t talk myself out of it again, I had to go or I’d waste virtually £100.
As an anxious person, I have to plan every detail, I have to make sure I have a fully itinerary, know how long it’ll take me to get from point A to point B, contingency half hours in case trains are delayed, how long I’ll have to pop into a supermarket for food, what I’m going to eat. It sounds borderline insane but I need that plan and control to keep my overactive brain at ease.
It wasn’t the football that unnerved me, it was Wembley. I’ve been to Wembley stadium 5 times, it’s not a lot but I’m used to it now, I’m at ease with it, but it’s still daunting going to a 90,000 capacity venue with fans split right down the middle for both teams. I feel like a toddler in a sea of giants.
But it was wonderful. I had to sink 2 pints as soon as I got in there, but I found myself stood next to a family of 3 generations whilst I sipped my second one and chatted about our lives and City journey right up until 5 minutes before kick off. It was friendly and welcoming and showed that we’re all there for the same reason. One of the guys even told me how brave I was to come alone for the match but how great it is. It made me feel so proud for pushing myself to do it. Many people won’t understand how massive this step is, but those who do will truly get how it feels.
Life
Life is a funny old thing, despite how nervous and anxious I get doing this alone, I’ve always loved my own company and moving into a flat on my own was something I was never nervous about. I love living alone, far more than I ever expected to, and as someone who’s social battery is drained after a day of work, coming home and not having to have one single conversation, is truly bliss.
Shopping is still a strange one sometimes, one day it’s fine when I’m wandering the shops, other days I feel nervy and twitchy. It’s bizarre that something I do so often, multiple times a week even, still makes me feel a bit weird.
If you’re not an outgoing person (or even if you are), there are going to be times where you think ‘I’ve got this, I’ll nail this’ and then the next minute you’re thinking ‘I’m drowning, I can’t do this at all’. Remind yourself that you’re human, you can’t feel totally comfortable all the time. But if there’s one thing to take away from this it's, that thing you really want to do? You can do it.
If you’re starting on your solo journey, take it as slow or as fast as your body and brain will allow. Don’t push yourself too hard or berate yourself for not being at a certain stage yet. Start with something smaller like going to the cinema, take yourself to a coffee shop with a book, sit in the corner if it makes you feel more comfortable, but just do something to start inching out of that level of comfort. You’ll be surprised by how the smallest acts can make a huge difference to your development. My social anxiety used to destroy me, I couldn’t speak to strangers, I’d get clammy and my heart would race at the thought. Now I’m finally in a place that I can talk to most people, make idle chitchat, and not freeze up at doing something on my own.
It doesn’t matter how long your journey takes, just make sure you start it so you don’t miss out on how wonderful life really can be.
S xo
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