THE SOLO EDIT: CINEMA TRIP

Even in my most anxious solo activity stages, visiting the cinema alone has always been something that hasn’t bothered me, so when I realised this is a very key event that others struggle to do alone, I was stunned. This was something I did often when at uni, with a Cineworld around the corner and £3 tickets, you couldn’t keep me away (that’s the reason I saw Dunkirk 7 times in the cinema), I was there at least weekly.

I’d like to say that the key thing about visiting the cinema is the fact you sit in silence for 90+ minutes, if you’re someone who chats at the cinema during a film then sorry but you should be banned. I truly cannot tolerate it and don’t see how others should have to either. So straightaway, the only purpose having someone coming along with you to watch a film would be the physical presence of them being there.

A large part of the anxiety in going places alone is actually entering alone or asking for a ticket/table etc for one, if you’re able to book your ticket online then that immediately eliminates the need to speak to a member of staff to buy a ticket or showing that you’re coming alone. There seems to be this strange self stigma that makes us feel silly for admitting we’re doing something on our own when most of the time other people don’t actually care.

For my most recent cinema trip, I booked my ticket on Vue’s website (with my Monzo free Vue cinema ticket code) and then visited Manchester’s Printworks, the Vue there is huge and has really frequent film viewings. After a very productive solo activity day, I figured why not keep the momentum going and catch a new film before the day was done and I headed home for dinner and an early night.

To be honest, I picked quite a rogue film, it’s about the prediction of the weather on the originally proposed D-Day and the importance of said prediction that could have lead to a very different outcome for the world wars, if you’re not familiar it’s called Pressure and it was the type of film I needed for a drab Thursday afternoon. The screening was quiet with only a handful of us in there, I sat right at the back (often I used to sit in the back far corner seats if I was having a more anxious day and do highly recommend this) so I could guarantee a clear view.

I scanned my ticket upon entry and that was the only time I had to interact with anyone, not that I would have had an issue interacting, but just incase that does make you nervous. I took my seat, unpacked my snacks, and reclined in my seat ready to shut off my brain and the outside world for a couple of hours.

If you haven’t yet done this, I can’t recommend it enough!

What solo activity do you want to see next?

S xo

THE SOLO EDIT: SCIENCE & INDUSTRY MUSEUM

After living in Manchester for four years, there are still so many places I’ve still to tick of my ‘to-visit’ list. The Science & Industry museum has been the top of that list for so long, I’ve passed it umpteen times, so why it took me all those years to visit is truly beyond me.

I’ve talked at length (and will likely continue to do so) about how often I plan to go somewhere, wander around the outside, and then stress myself out to the point I walk away, it’s so frustrating but a large part of why I chose to create this series, to help others feel seen and validated if they too feel the same. We’re in an age of independent generations so it can feel abnormal if you don’t feel that level of confidence within your independence.

Thankfully I didn’t talk myself out of this visit, after having a start to the week where I had little motivation and felt exhausted, I visited the gym for an early morning session and realised that Thursday was not too late to turn the week around and feel positive, I have a list as long as my arm of things I want to do, so why not spend the day ticking some places off?

Prior to my S&I visit I did tick another place off that had been years in the making but that post is to follow - it essentially set the tone of the day which was what I needed.

I booked a free ticket via their website on the walk to the museum however upon entry it seems you can just speak to the welcoming team on the front desk and they will let you in anyway. The gentleman I spoke to was so helpful and chatty and gave me other must-visit recommendations for Manchester which I promptly noted down in my phone as he spoke.

It’s worth noting that this museum won’t be for everyone, it depends where your interests lie, however this place was right up my street. If you’re looking to go to a museum then I’d check that it’s something you’d be interested in, if it’s not then you’re more likely to feel uncomfortable and out of place which won’t be worth it if you’re not very bothered about it anyway.

On the ground floor you can learn about Manchester’s influence within textiles especially an in-depth view into the cotton industry where the city was pivotal, there is also a portion about the rise of modern day technology such as early computing programs that led to technology as we know it today and the rise of transport in the city. 

If you head outside into the Power Hall building next door you’ll see rail transport and historic engines on the site of the where the Liverpool Road railway station stood that was the terminus for the world's first inter-city passenger railway powered entirely by timetabled steam locomotives which opened in 1830.

It’s such an interesting way to spend an afternoon, you don’t have to rely on being with anyone, you don’t have to interact with anyone and you can keep your headphones firmly on your head if you feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable, that’s what I did.

So go to your local museums, learn about your city, expand your mind and take in loads of info that you can take away and share with others!

What solo activity do you want to see next?

S xo

THE REALITY OF CHOOSING TO (TEMPORARILY) BE UNEMPLOYED

Now 8 weeks into unemployment and honestly, it’s wonderful. I've reached a stage in life where this felt impossible, I'm no longer in my late teens/early twenties chasing a gap year. At 32 years old, societal expectations are that I should be a homeowner, working a solid and stable job, potentially with a child or 2, and married. As it turns out, I don’t own my own home (yet), my job was becoming rather unstable, I’m still single and I’m childless.

If there's one thing to know about me, I may still have no idea what career I want, no major goals other than happiness, but I’ve always been a hard worker and a grafter. When my job became less of a sure thing, I took the opportunity that presented itself to remove myself from the situation and start a life that I really wanted. It’s no secret that the last 14 months of my life have been pretty rough, never in my life would I have taken a work break had it not been for the stress of that past year and the financial security I currently have. It feels frivolous and something that people don’t really do. Which is precisely why I jumped at this opportunity.

So far, I’ve slept more (big bonus for me), I’ve had much more time to create content and write, Sunday scaries or working weekends don’t exist for me and I can make weekend plans without feeling like I’m using up the small of amount of free time I have within the week. To be honest, work was draining me, free time felt non-existent despite only work 37.5 hours per week, and having free time now feels crazy to me. Making plans, doing things at the drop of a hat and actually having slower days to enjoy the things I really love has been amazing.

I've had time to read, like actually sit down and read chunks of books. At the last minute I was able to attend a Man City meet and greet with some of the players, attend a team's open training session, all things I would never have been able to do if working. These are the things I want to use my time doing, not missing out.

The first 8 weeks have felt pretty marvellous. For the most part.

As a notorious over-thinker, to the point of frustration sometimes, I thought out every scenario before making the decision to take a 6+ month break. The one thing I hadn’t considered was the lack of structure in my weekly life. It seems so simple now when I look back, and perhaps I did briefly consider it and felt it was minor, but really it’s a very real point when considering the unemployed life. I struggle with motivation at the best of times, but on the non-so-good days, it can be really difficult. 

As much I’ve thoroughly enjoyed waking up and thinking ‘what should I do today?’, I’ve struggled to keep motivated to actually do something, I’m finding I need a plan to attempt to keep me on track. Quite often I’ve found myself putting off a task thinking ‘I can just do that tomorrow or next week instead’, whilst it’s true, it’s not the best or healthiest mindset to be in, and it's gonna make time rapidly decrease without much achievement.

Things I’m trying to implement to make this period run smoother;

Make a weekly plan of what I’d like to do and plot it in my calendar, day by day

This way I'll be less likely to wake up later, have a really slow morning and then decide at lunch time what I want to do. It’s a nice idea doing that but trust me it’s get boring and makes you feel wasteful of your day.

Make at least one plan with a friend for the week, this gives structure to at least one of my days so I can plan around it

i.e, meeting my best friend for a coffee and work day. If I plan for the gym in the morning followed by our work day, it ties 2 plans into one day and frees up another day where I don't have to factor in the gym.

Get a holiday or two booked in

A large part of my time off was to travel - whether it’s a few weeks away at a time, frequent weekends away or even a handful of extreme day trips, I want to visit a bunch of new (and familiar) places and make the most of not having to plan around work and general life plans (other than the football season - trust me that makes it difficult).

Have a day set aside for general life admin and another for content creation

Normal life is still happening, I’m looking to have one day set aside each week to do life admin, clean the flat, do food shopping and the general life-y bits. This way none of these tasks will encroach on the rest of the week and means they will actually get done.

I’m also looking to have a solid day of content creation. At the moment I’ve been dipping into it almost daily, a coffee shop and an hour one day, the same the next day. I’m not getting into the proper flow of writing, shooting, editing, planning etc, one solid day to work on it like a working day means I can be far more productive when doing it and not eating up portions of each day when I could be doing something else.

Who knows what the next 5 months will look like, I do plan to revisit this in a few months time with what I’ve learned, what I’ve achieved, and how I’ve managed to navigate the unknown. Wish me luck!

S xo

HOW SOLO TRAVEL CHANGED HOW I SEE MYSELF

Taking myself out of my comfort zone is something I try to do very often, but something I still really do struggle with despite my vast improvement over the last few years. I've already told you about my anxious solo fears that extend to sitting and eating alone (at least something other than what I can buy in a coffee shop), not burying my head in my phone when alone in public, and fearing people watching me (even when they couldn't care less about my existence). I'm generally an anxious and nervous person in relatively unknown situations.

The difference in my confidence whilst I was in Lisbon though, it was something unmatched something I’ve never felt before. I could barely recognise myself, in the best possible way. Suddenly I was shooting content in public (both videos/photos of my outfits, walking down the street, taking selfies in public places), eating brunch on my own daily, taking myself for drinks at happy hour and making dinner reservations to eat watching the sunset.

There was one minor hiccup when I internally begged myself to stand and queue at Dear Breakfast in Chiado, the line was small yet I was still unsure if I wanted to queue alone for a breakfast spot that was evidently already crowded. But pushing that aside, I reminded myself how annoyed I’d be if I let that put me off and left another place unticked off my list when there was no valid reason for me not to. When the server reached me in line, she immediately thought I wanted a table for 3 because she assumed I was with the 2 ladies behind me. It was so minor and actually made me chuckle a bit, it’s normal to expect that people are arriving in groups together, but it’s becoming far more common for people to be dining alone too. 

Despite my initial (mild) awkwardness being seated at the end of a 8 seater table with a couple, I was seated right by the window, the iconic spot where you can look out over the balcony and watch the yellow funiculars passing up and down. I was so close and it made me happy that I’d been seated so near. As soon as the couple of ladies at that table got up and left, I flagged down a server and asked if I could move there. Pre-Lisbon me would have chickened out, she wouldn’t have dared to ask in case she heard a no in return, but this Sam knew there was a possibility of a yes in return and asked. I got the table! The sun was pouring in, I was eating delicious pancakes, sipping my iced pistachio latte and watching the word pass by like I’d seen others do online with a magical view. Little moments like this seem just that to other people - little - but to me it felt big and rewarding and reminded me that I had to take what I could get out of that trip because I didn’t want to go home with any regrets. 

Another moment of joy I wanted to tick off my list was making myself head to the TimeOut Market photobooth. I’ve been wanting to take photobooth pictures for so long and keep chickening out/not making enough effort to do it with friends. On that trip I was determined. The fotomat I wanted to go to was sadly still being repaired so that was out, but I was so excited to find out there was one in the TimeOut Market. I wasn’t thrilled with the bright colours of the photos, preferring black and white, but it was better than nothing.

I went into the market to scope it out on my first full day but decided I didn’t like the look of it so left, I wasn’t making myself go in there if I wasn’t going to go through with it. But I couldn’t stop thinking about it for the next couple of days, I kept asking myself why I wasn’t doing it, I’d seen others taking cute photos in there so what was stopping me? I decided to stop being a lemon and to give it a try, what’s €5 in the grand scheme of things when this would still be a souvenir? After circling again (twice!) and chickening out, I walked back around again and marched straight in. 

These photos did NOT disappoint. I was immediately obsessed, I didn’t feel weird going in there alone, I love the way the photos came out (there were filter options but the original is my favourite) and the price is so good considering you get a digital copy of the photobooth strips and 2 printed copies! In fact I loved it so much that I went back the next 2 days for more. It’s true that doing something once takes the fear out of doing it again (unless it was a truly terrifying experience first time around).

If my trip taught me anything, it’s how capable I am, in many ways, here’s why;

1. I was more than capable of booking flights, finding accommodation (although what a process that was), and planning the whole trip. I researched safer areas, thoroughly read reviews for accommodations and made sure I booked something that seemed appropriate and sensible for a woman solo travelling. That in itself is a massive step, I didn’t consult anyone else, I didn’t ask for any help, I just carried out my own research and made my own decisions.
   
   
2. I’m capable of making my way to the airport (on time), checking in my own baggage, finding my own way to the departure gate and getting on a plane alone. And the same on the return trip in a foreign country and making my way home safely and without issue. For someone who has never done any of these things without someone by my side, this is something so major that actually felt so minor when doing it.
   
   
3. Researching where I want to go and making a comprehensive list. There’s always wiggle room, you will always pick up new places along the way and some points on your list may not be ticked off - but that just means you need to go back again, right?
   
   
4. Hopping on a train and taking a day trip to another unknown place with nothing but myself, my phone and my tote bag containing a book and a notepad (and of course a power bank, I’m not getting stranded). That bizarrely felt so major yet so minor at the same time, the reward was so worth it though to view Cascais, one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever visited and I’m itching to head back there. Just 40 minutes each way from Lisbon, it felt far enough away from the city without being too far.
   
   
5. Solo dining/drink - it’s something I’m steadily more comfortable with but this trip I did have my first evening meal in a restaurant which was far less scary than I had imagined pre-Lisbon. I picked a place I’d already been to earlier in the day for a few drinks, this meant the place already felt familiar and was in an area I already knew, there was outdoor seating and it felt less formal and more relaxed. Very key things if you’re like me and find themselves anxious at heading into a restaurant alone.
   
   
6. Watching a football match abroad has been a dream of mine for so long, the timing of this trip was planned around watching Portugal play World Cup qualifying games, this international break saw them playing 2 home games in Lisbon so it seemed crazy to not capitalise on the opportunity and plan a trip I already wanted to go on around something I really wanted to do. I thought I’d be terrified. There’s no 2 ways about it. I thought I’d panic at the thought of going to an unknown stadium, in a brand new city, hoping my tickets worked and I hadn’t been sold dud ones on StubHub. But I was so calm about it, I hopped on the metro from the apartment to the 2nd closest station to the stadium and walked the rest of the way to give me a breather in case I needed to calm my nerves. It was a breeze, and a joy to attended both games. Early 2022 Sam would have been immensely proud of what I did.
   
   
7. Putting myself out of my comfort zone in a million different ways that didn’t even phase me, things that would have made me shake and vibrate with nerves in the UK seemed a breeze in Lisbon which made the entire experience a hundred times easier. From exploring alone, to eating alone, to happy hour, to walking to new places until my feet hurt, to shooting content in public and not caring who saw me. I was reminded to just explore and feel like a child with wide eyed wonder who was actually able to do the things she wanted and create the memories she craved. 

Being proud of myself I’d not something I often feel, I’ve only felt it a couple of times in my life, but this life changing trip made me feel proud of myself in ways I’ve never felt before and now I don’t fear another solo trip, I relish in the thought of it and can’t wait to explore more of what this world has to offer.

S xo

THE GRIEF EDIT: ARE YOU OKAY?

When you’ve lost someone, everyone checks in with you, and I mean EVERYONE you’ve ever known, or so it feels like. It’s lovely, I truly appreciated everyone who messaged or called me to check up on me, but it’s so overwhelming. In the early days you have everyone around you, you’re constantly surrounded, but what about when the dust settles and you’re trying to adjust to normal everyday life without the person you’ve lost, and the contact from most people actually stops? You feel the loneliness more than ever, it’s a strange feeling. Like it’s all or nothing. 

I’ve never felt so lonely surrounded by so much love. That’s what the effect of losing one person in your life can have. 

With that being said, I don’t cope with a lot of contact. I don’t reply straight away (although I’m learning to do so with family and friends so as not to worry them), I’m constantly tired, and talking feels like more of a chore than it ever did. 
I broke down in front of a friend a while ago, he was grieving and his emotions made mine pour out too. He asked me how I was doing, the first time I’d properly been asked that for a while, and I answered honestly. 

I’m okay, I think. I didn’t tell him what I thought I should tell him I’m fine, I’m getting on because we all have to don’t we? Because for once I was tired of telling everyone, and myself, that I’m okay. 

Most of the time I do feel fine, until I fall apart over something small, washing the dishes seems to be where I cry (although I guess that’s just what being a dishwasher does to us anyway, right?) and I can’t explain it. I’m trying to feel fine and normal all the time, I hate to give anyone a reason to worry about me so I’ll smile and pretend until I have time to myself and then I let myself fall apart.

I’m not saying that if everyone asked me how I was doing, and didn’t just mean on a surface level, I’d be really honest and say I’m not doing great because I wouldn’t. But maybe I’d feel like I didn’t have to hide it as much. The hardest thing I’m finding at the moment is that I was so busy after the loss of my mum that I didn’t have time to grieve, and people warned me that 3 months down the line it would probably hit me. Here we are, 7 months on, and it’s hitting me the hardest. Everyone has seen me acting pretty much the same, still lively, sassy, always laughing, so they must think I’m fine. 

How do I turn around all of these months after the worst event in my life and tell people honestly that I’m struggling and constantly feel on the verge of a breakdown? I’m a no-fuss type of person, I’m a lets not worry anyone type of person, I can’t give anyone reason to look at me differently.

Grief is a such a personal, strange, abstract process to go through, no 2 people ever encounter it the same way so we never know how others are coping when they go through it.

I guess that what my long-winded, bizarre ramblings here are trying to say is, please check in with people when they’re grieving. You don’t need to make a big deal out of it, just check in with them later down the line when everything has quietened down and their lives are supposedly having to go back to ‘normal’, just ask them how they really are and let them know that you are a safe space for them to be honest. You can’t change what’s happened for them, like they can’t change anything for you either, but knowing you both have someone there to just be yourself in your grief is such an important step in trying to keep yourself moving though the process.

S xo

HOW LISBON HELPED ME FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE BEING SOLO

Rambling thoughts ahead, proceed with mild….caution? No, you already know I’m a rambler who can’t tame her words (or scale them down, there’s a reason I almost hit my + 10% word count for my dissertation).

I’ve just returned from my very first abroad solo trip. My very first solo flight, the very first time I’ve been in another country on my own with no one I know and solely with myself as company. It’s the biggest step I’ve ever taken on my own (aside from moving to a new city twice and starting new, but I had someone helping me do that, this felt different). On the first night there I felt so wonderfully overwhelmed and couldn’t stop myself from writing out my thoughts, whether I shared them would be a different matter, but I needed this for me. I needed to be able to look back on this either at the end of the trip, in a few weeks time or a number of years down the line to see how far I’ve come.

I’m usually someone who psyches herself to try somewhere new, dedicating time to going on a day off, feeling excited and then proceeds to walk past it 5 times before leaving and not doing the activity/trying that place. It’s ridiculous and exhausting and I feel like I’m missing out on so much by not doing.

I don’t want to shoot solo content in public (even if it’s just of my cute brunch) because I feel embarrassed, the thought of sitting alone eating a meal makes me nervous and I’d never been on a plane alone…until the day I went to Lisbon.

Something about that trip has altered my brain chemistry. Not just the fact the city is embedded into my soul now because I love it so much, but it’s like the moment I woke up that morning, I felt confident and I wasn’t nervous in the slightest that I was taking a solo trip abroad to Lisbon for 5 nights.

To be honest, it’s absurd. It’s a big step to take when I can barely get around without wearing my headphones, overthinking every last thing and have this annoying habit of wanting to do something and then last minute changing the plan because I’m too nervous and end up staying in.

But Lisbon, good old Lisbon changed me. My initial thought when I got off the plane was “oh sod it, let’s take an Uber”, and then I saw it was literally €1.85 to jump 2 metros to my Airbnb which is craaaaazy cheap. I put my general underground network knowledge to good use and set off like I knew exactly what I was doing. Fake it til you make it, right? It turns out it really is just that easy and I wasn’t stressed or anxious in the slightest. Plus, the view coming up the stairs from the metro and landing on the street, seeing an array of gorgeous tiles and a cute neighbourhood, was unreal.

In true Sam fashion, I had a small wobble and walked right past the food place I’d been intending to go to as my first stop before I could check into my Airbnb, all because it looked a bit busy and I couldn’t find a member of staff outside to see if I could sit there. I ended up about 10 minutes off course, on madly cobbled/tiled streets that are completely un-suitcase friendly, but after nearly pulling my right shoulder out of it’s socket dealing with a poor pavement/wheel combo, I landed back at Josephine’s Bistro and acted like the grown woman I am. As soon as I sat down with the sunshine shining and the tree lined street view, I was suddenly calm, why did I need to make it so difficult? After ordering a sandwich and a wildly cheap bottle of beer, I settled in with my book, listening to the soft Portuguese music playing from the speakers and felt overwhelmed by how happy and proud I was just to have made it to that point.

The whole trip was about pushing myself out of my comfort zone, I just wasn’t expecting how much I’d immediately embrace it.

During the late afternoon, I went for a wander with the intention of hitting a few spots I wanted to see and then grabbing a drink and heading to a miradoura to watch the sunset. I ended up a massively steep hill (I knew they were going to be steep but nothing could have prepared me for how much!) and found the miradoura I was looking for, only a good hour and a half before I intended to be there. It was stunning though and I think it looked beautiful in the bright sunshine. So then I set off walking, any old direction I didn’t care, I had time to be leisurely and to just explore. Heading more downtown, I suddenly saw water between the building at the bottom of the hill - I had no idea I was as near to the waterfront as I actually was!

Oh the peace I felt meandering along the waterfront as the sun slowly began to set, the joy on the faces of the locals and tourists alike that had flocked to the river front walls to take in the views. I felt so content, there’s no feeling like it. So content in fact, I pulled my small tripod from my bag and my camera remote, loaded my phone up and started shooting content. There was a restaurant right across from me, I could feel people looking over but I didn’t care, the thing that usually terrifies me was something I was absolutely fine with doing on my own for the first time ever, in a busy area. I truly surprised myself with that one. Everything about Lisbon felt welcoming and freeing and absolutely the place I needed to be at that time. It's like my self-conscious feelings evaporated and my anxiety slipped away with the sun melting into the waves. The ease with which I've pushed myself to do things since coming home, that would have made me feel uncomfortable or uneasy, is credit to the Lisbon experience.

Feeling so happy, I parked myself on an empty bit of wall, Lays and Sagres opened, and listening to a very spicy audiobook, I took in the beautiful first sunset of the trip. The weight of this year, the heaviness of my heart and shoulders from the last few months melted, even temporarily, I felt like I was exactly where I needed to be.

Just look at that for a sunset!

S xo

THE GRIEF EDIT: THINGS NO-ONE TELLS YOU ABOUT GRIEF

T/W: Death of a parent, grief

Grief is something I’ve been lucky enough to not have too much experience with - grieving the loss of a loved one that is. at 8 years old I lost my great-grandma, one of my best friends at a young age and a loss so awful that I had counselling sessions a few year later (mixed with a different type of loss in my early years), it was terrible but she was 91 years old and it felt more of a kindness to her than anything. For the next 23 years I was lucky, there was the passing of a family friend that hit hard but more so because he was someone still so young that I’d known since I was very small, it hard to comprehend his children were now without their father. But that was all the loss I’d dealt with.

At the end of June I lost my mum. Those words still don’t seem real, they seem fictional, like they are someone else’s words and not mine. But at 31 years old, I lost my mum, my best friend in the world and my protector. There aren’t words to describe the grief and the pain and the anger at what feels like an injustice to the world as I know it. But there is a lot I need to get off my chest about how I’ve been feeling, I need to vent out my thoughts and feelings whether anyone reads this or it’s just an exercise to help clear the clouds that hang heavy in my brain. 

1. Mentally making it all about yourself

Maybe this is me outing myself as a more selfish person than I ever realised, or maybe this is a more common feeling than I’ve seen others share. In mourning the loss of a loved one, I’ve found myself constantly thinking about how it’s going to change my world, how I’m going to move forward without them, how I want everyone to stop asking me how I’m feeling whilst simultaneously not wanting them to stop because if they stop then who do I have left to worry about me? I’m so busy in my grief that I forget to really check in with the people around me who are also grieving, or checking in with my friends like my pain overpowers any other responsibility I have to others. I keep letting myself off for not doing things when really I have to keep going and not allowing that to be my excuse.

2. Walking down the street feeling like you have a neon sign above your head

Especially during the first couple of weeks, when I took solo trips out of the house, just walking down the street I felt like everyone knew I’d just lost a parent. Like even though my face wasn’t blotchy, my eyes weren’t read, there must have been something obvious about me that just screamed ‘GRIEVING CHILD’. I’ve never seen anyone explain this feeling, but I wanted to scream at everyone I walked past, I wanted to shout in peoples faces that my world has turned upside down and how are they going about their day as normal when I’m a broken wreck inside? I wanted to stop people in the street, actual strangers, and tell them to hug their loved ones tight and tell them they love them at every available opportunity.

3. Who will love me unconditionally now?

Losing my mum is like losing 10 people all in one. First and foremost she was my mum, the single parent who raised me and did everything she could to keep a roof over my head, kept me clothed and for a long period worked 3 jobs to keep me fed. She was my bestest friend in the world, she was my travel buddy (both summer holidays and city breaks), my gig buddy, the person I’d spend 3 hours on the phone to, my biggest cheerleader, the person who would literally drop everything if I needed her and the person who loved me more than anything in the world. She was my person, and I was hers. After a week or so, following her passing, it dawned on me - who will love me now? My favourite person in the world is gone and now I’m no ones favourite person. It’s such a painful thought and shakes me every time I think of it. As an only child, there were just the 2 of us, we were our own little family for 28 years or so, and suddenly that one person going can make you feel so incredibly alone despite being surrounded by people who care about you.

4. Feeling guilty for carrying on

The guilt I felt the first time I smiled or laughed, after I heard the news, knocked me sick. Or rather it knocked me sick that I was able to do it so easily and freely. How dare I laugh and crack jokes when the bottom has just been ripped out of my world? Every time I laugh with family or friends, I feel like my brain feels the need to remind me of what has happened, like it wants me to know that I shouldn’t be too happy because why should I be when there’s no reason to be?

One thing I’ve struggled with the most over the past 12 weeks is how I’ve coped, it seems truly bonkers that I’m angry at myself to coping well and cracking on, but I feel incredibly guilty about it. Whenever mum threw out like comments like oh I’ll be long gone by then when talking about 20 years in the future, it used to knock me sick and make my eyes brim with tears immediately, I couldn’t fathom what life would be like and I didn’t want to because even the vague idea of it would tear me apart. So being faced with the reality, I expected to stop functioning, I expected to be in zombie like state, to barely eat, sleep, communicate, I thought I’d regress into my darkest time and be a shell of the Sam everyone knew. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so incredibly grateful that my body and mind didn’t allow that to happen, that they have allowed me to cope really well given the circumstances, but it doesn’t ease the guilt I’ve felt for it. Why am I not crying every hour, on the hour? 

We all grieve differently, that’s been the recurring theme whenever I’ve mentioned this on the odd occasion to people recently, and it’s so very true, it’s just a strange concept to come to terms with when you grieve differently to how you expected to.

I can openly talk about about her passing, speak somewhat nonchalantly about it, and not be phased, but then I’ll hear a song or smell her perfume or catch sight of a photo and I’ll be so overcome with grief I’m struggling to breathe through my tears. Washing the dishes earlier, I started crying because for a brief second I questioned if I loved her enough because what if I’m coping okay because I should have loved her more. I gave myself a stern talking to immediately because that was such a cruel thought, I know full well (and so did she) that I couldn’t have loved that woman any more if I’d tried and I tried so hard to be the daughter that she deserved (I could have done the bare minimum and she still would have told the world I was the best thing to ever happen to it). 

If you’re in the early stages, or really any stage, of grief, I need you to know now; there is no right or wrong way to grieve, a lot of how your body may react is self-preservation, it wants you to keep going for both yourself and for the person you lost. You already lost someone you love, you don’t need to lose yourself too in the process.

Sending so much love and strength to anyone going through similar right now and anyone struggling.

S xo